


Damaged

by thatcrazymj



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Biting, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, I'll add more tags later, Injury, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Post Season 2, Prom, Shit gets awkward, Slight blood mention, Slightly - Freeform, Slurs, Zalex, mentions of hannah - Freeform, smut but not till later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-08-01 09:23:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16281962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatcrazymj/pseuds/thatcrazymj
Summary: Alex thought that a gunshot to the temple would be the most painful thing he would ever experience. And then Jess broke up with him.





	1. Kilig

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kilig– The heady-sublime rush you experience right after something good happens, particularly in love/dating. Like running into your crush, kissing someone for the first time, hearing someone you love tell you they love you too for the first time.

     Before a few months ago, Alex was used to waking up alone to an empty bed and an alarm he wished he hadn’t set, but now it was a whole different experience. Today he woke up to a smile lying next to him, her skin looked radiant in the dim lighting of his room. She smiled brightly despite the early morning grogginess and slid closer to him.

     “Happy 2 months,” Jess beamed, pressing soft kisses onto his mouth, cheek, and nose. He hugged her closely and felt as her heart beat against his own. He never would have thought that after hitting rock bottom in his life, he would be lying in bed with such an amazing and thoughtful woman like Jessica.

     Jessica wished she felt the same. After that night with Justin, her mind was lost and confused on what to decide. Alex was a friend that never diverted from her side, but deep down she knew she was still in love with Justin. It was conflicting with her brain which told her that what she felt was wrong. What Justin did-- what he didn’t do--was _wrong,_ and there shouldn’t have been anything to change her mind, but her heart couldn’t deny the love she felt for the boy that loved every part of her no matter how many times she rejected him; the boy who went through months of Juvie to prove his love to her. Something kept bringing her back, and the only thing that was keeping her away was Alex. It’s not that she was fully in love with Alex, it was just that she had no way of breaking up with him. She had truly felt something for Alex at the time that they got together; they were with each other almost every day while the case was happening and Alex was her emotional support, so it almost felt like they had to date each other. But that love that she felt for Alex when they first started dating was disintegrating as she finally began to realize that forced love wasn’t really love at all. Now she had to figure out how to convey all this to Alex.

     “Are you alright, Jess?” Zach asked during breakfast at Alex’s house. This had been a routine for a few weeks ever since Zach specified that eating breakfast with his mother was like eating with a corpse.

     Jess had been staring down and not touching her breakfast since it was placed in front of her,  the boys were starting to get worried. Jess’ smile was unconvincing, “Yeah I’m good.”

     Zach nodded and looked between the two of his friends. There was a slight awkwardness that morning at the table. Zach knew why Jess was acting off but was unable to know if it was also affecting Alex. Justin had told him about his and Jess’ affair a few weeks ago when Zach caught him in the locker room having a mental breakdown. It hadn’t been a surprise for him since the two did seem to get along more after the Spring Fling. Justin didn’t regret sleeping with Jess, he just felt terrible about how it would affect Alex. For days after that, Zach was conflicted on whether to tell Alex or not, but he had come to terms that it wasn’t his place to say anything about the affair; he would just be there to clean up the mess.

     Alex watched as both of his friends avoided eye contact with him throughout breakfast. He wasn’t stupid; he knew something was happening. Jess looked at him less and less as the days progressed. He was beginning to get annoyed with how she avoided him. It started only subtly, she cautiously avoided him while she walked through the hallways at school with Justin; it was frustrating at first, but after months of not talking to each other he’d expected that they would take some time to catch up. But then she had canceled a few of their planned dates for something that Justin had spontaneously wanted to do, and then she started coming by Alex’s place late at night, sometimes drunk sometimes sober. That’s how she wound up at his place last night; she said she had only a few drinks, and when he asked where she’d been she avoided the question and fell asleep. He knew he was a little naive believing that she was just hanging out with Justin because they ‘needed to catch up.’ He knew that she was just running away from him because he’s crippled. Alex figured this was bound to happen at some point, he can’t do anything for her, he can’t provide for her, he can’t hold her for more than a few minutes before something stops working; his fucking hand starts twitching, his gimp leg goes stiff or something close to that. She was separating herself from him slowly and it was his fault.

     “I’m gonna go finish getting ready,” he mumbled, using his cane to rise from the chair and bring his bowl to the sink. Everything about this breakfast was pissing him off.

     “Do you need help?” Zach began rising from his chair to assist him.

     “No!” he snapped before cringing at the volume of his voice. “No…,” he said quieter, holding out his hand towards Zach’s still figure and motioning him to sit back down. “I’ll be fine.”

     As their friend left the dining room slowly, Zach scratched the back of his neck and looked over at Jess. She shifted uncomfortably in her chair,” Don’t look at me like that,” Zach sat back in his chair and continued to stare. “I’ll tell him eventually...just,” she ran her fingers through her long curls and sighed, “Just not now. He’s happy-- _we’re_ happy.”

     “Yeah, which makes this even worse.  You know what you did, Jess, he doesn’t! It’s been two months, how long are you going to wait?” he tried to keep his voice down, but she was messing with Alex’s head and it was infuriating. The longer they were together, the harder it was going to be for him to get over it. “Soon, Jess,” he insisted.

     “Shut up, Zach,” she pushed away from the table and went back to the room.

* * *

 

     “We gotta stop,” Jess giggled as the warm hands on her bare sides sent shivers throughout her body. Justin left soft kisses along her neck and made his way up to her cheek and eventually captured her lips again.

     “No we don’t,” Justin chuckled.

     “Yes, you do,” Zach said in disgust, shielding his eyes from the scene in front of him. Both of the culprits fixed themselves to look presentable and then turned to the man that caught them. “The locker room? Really?”

     “What’s wrong with it?” asked Justin.

     “Hmmm, I don’t know. Maybe the fact that she still has a boyfriend who’s expecting her to eat lunch and hang out with him after school today. Three month anniversary, remember, Jess?” Her face looked even more guilty than when they were caught. Her head was bowed and she tapped her heeled sandal on the floor.

     “Yeah, I remember.”

     “Oh, so you look guilty now, but you didn’t look so guilty a few minutes ago when his tongue was down your throat,” her head snapped up to look at him. She began to walk towards him but stopped herself.

     “Hey, back off, Zach,” Justin began to get defensive.

     “Look, all I’m saying is that Alex could’ve been the one that walked in here. You need to tell him or this needs to stop,” Zach commanded, collecting his clothes and leaving the locker room.

     “Thanks, dad,” Justin scoffed.

     “Fuck you, Foley!”

* * *

 

     They got home that night giggling and stumbling with their hands all over each other. The beach had barely anyone there which allowed the two of them to talk without being interrupted. They ate their food in a picnic style, relaxed on the beach in their swimsuits, and watched the sun go down behind the resting water. They only began to leave when Alex’s leg gave out in the water a long time standing and playing. He brought her down with him and they both went under the water, pulled into the sea and pushed back onto the shore by the waves. At first, they were both worried about the other, but after realizing that they were both okay the laughter began and lasted the whole way home.

     “You should’ve seen your face,” Alex laughed, mimicking the frightened face that Jess put on right before she was swept under with him.

     “Well, yeah. I thought you were drowning.”

     “Well,” Alex started, holding onto her damp hands and kissing her forehead, “We’re both okay. Now...who should shower first?”

 

* * *

 

     After his shower, Alex finished getting dressed and limped over to their bed. “How is your leg doing?” Jess asked, patting the empty spot next to her on the bed.

     “I’m fine,” he scoffed. “Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to go that long without my cane.”

     “I told you. Zach said you weren’t ready yet.”

     “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Zach tells me a lot of things,” he flagged away the conversation with his hand and laid down next to Jess. She looked at him with an emotion that Alex couldn’t figure out. For a second she looked sad but then shifted to something reminiscent or scared or...he didn’t really know. The way she held onto him wasn’t as tight as it was three months ago, she barely rested her weight on him like he was something fragile that would break at any moment. “I’m getting better,” he offered, hoping that that would clear the worry in her eyes. She nodded. “I love you,” he confessed. He watched as the worry was replaced by something worse. She looked guilty more than anything as she avoided looking at him and instead settled for the headboard of the bed.

      “I…” she flicked her eyes down at him for only a second and then looked away again. She tapped a finger on his hip for a second before turning on her other side and facing the wall. “I’m gonna go to sleep.”

     Alex nodded even though she couldn’t see him anymore. He debated cuddling up next to her but decided against it and turned to face his side of the room. They both fell asleep that way, facing opposite each other and pretending that everything was okay.

* * *

 

     “She didn’t say it back…” Alex mentioned out of nowhere during their PT session. Zach looked over at Alex’s wet figure, his face was blank as he slipped on his jeans.

     “Wha--”

     “She didn’t fucking say it back!” He cursed as he slammed a fist into the Locker in front of him.

     Zach rushed over to him to check on his hand, “Hey, hey...wha--what are you talking about? Say what back?” He sat a shirtless Alex on one of the benches and kneeled in front of him.

     “I told Jess that I loved her.”

     Zach’s mouth opened slightly, _fuck_. “Oh…”

     “And she didn’t say it back,” Alex’s face scrunched up into something mixed with anger and confusion. “Sh--why didn’t she say it back? What the fuck did I do that made her not say it back?”

     Zach ran a hand over his sweaty forehead. “It’s probably nothing...She’ll get this figured out soon and everything will be fine. She’ll tell you soon, alright?”

     Alex looked up at him, even more confused than before. “Tell me what? What are you talking about?”

     “T-tell you that she loves you. Sometimes it’s hard to say it back, especially after all she’s gone through.” Alex nodded and began to calm down. “Just give it time.” Zach stared at Alex a little while longer to make sure that he was fine. When everything seemed okay, he got up and left a hand on Alex’s bare shoulder.

     Alex nodded again, “You’re right.”

     “I know.” A wave of guilt came over Zach, lying to him was only making things worse.

* * *

 

     Justin looked out of the corner of his eye to see that Jess still had her head down. She had been fidgeting with and biting her fingernails the entire evening. It was starting to distract him from the T.V. “What’s wrong?” he finally asked.

     She hesitated before answering. “Are you sure Clay and his parents won’t come back and catch us?” she mumbled, looking up at the ceiling and then over to the open window next to them.

     He put a light hand on her thigh to reassure her, “Yeah, I promise they’re out of town till Saturday,” he smiled at her tense figure but she didn’t seem to calm down. “Is that all you were worried about?”

     He watched as she slumped down into the couch and placed her hands over her eyes. “I don’t like this Justin…”

     “Don’t like what?”

     “Lying... I don’t like lying to Alex like this.”

     “Then tell him the truth,” he removed her hands from her face. “You’ll keep feeling guilty until you do.”

     “It’s not that easy!” She croaked. “I don’t...I don’t want to hurt him.”

     “Jess,” he turned to face her. “You’re already hurting him. You’ve been hurting him for weeks. Now it’s just time to tell him about it.”

     “You’re right,” she mumbled.

     “What?”

     “You’re right!” she snapped, getting up from the couch and pacing slightly in front of the T.V. “You and Zach have been saying the same things over and over again. I’ll tell him…”

     “When?”

* * *

 

     It was a month later when Alex had told Jess that he loved her for the second time. They were cuddled up on their couch watching a show that they both equally disliked but were too lazy to change. Alex was attempting to cheer Jess up after she had failed another one of her tests that she thought she was going to pass.

     “I love you. If that makes you feel any better.”

     But it made her feel even worse. She began to sob into the couch and Alex had no other option but to hold her until she was done. She had finally realized just how horrible she was for pretending like this. If they were just friends and he had said that, the outcome would be different, but the fact that Alex still believed that she was in love with him was really starting to wear on her. She needed to tell him.

     Ultimately, she decided the next day would be best while she still felt that their break-up was necessary. He told her to meet her in the locker room for a 4-month anniversary surprise; it made her feel like shit that this was when she’d have to do it, but she couldn’t let it go any further.

     Alex had dressed up for the occasion when she arrived. Flowers in hand and the goofiest smile on his face. When he saw the look on her face as she arrived, everything started to droop. “Are the flowers too much? I can get rid of them if--”

     “No, no they’re fine,” she interrupted him. “I just want to say something before anything else happens…”

     “Oh, alright.” he could see how awkward she began to look, it was unsettling. She didn’t look like she carried good news.

     “I...uh. Well, I have something to tell you…”

     He scoffed. His thoughts--no matter how bad he wished they were wrong--were correct. The way she stood in front of him, so guilty, so nervous, he knew exactly what she was about to say. “You fucked him didn’t you?”

     She took a step back. “What?”

     “Justin! You fucked Justin didn’t you?” He couldn’t believe it. He knew something was going on behind his back but why did he have to be right? And now she looked at him with such pity; it made him sick. Who could blame her though? He’s crippled and Justin isn’t, nobody wants to date a fucking cripple. It was just a matter a time anyway before he found out, at least she had the guts to try and tell him. “Fuck you,” He tossed the flowers to the filthy gym floor and left her there to cry by herself.

 

* * *

 

     She didn’t chase after him when he left, no text, no visit to his house. It’s like she truly didn’t care about him. No matter how hard he tried, it really hurt him to realize that he wasted all that time and energy trying to make himself better for a girl that didn’t even love him back.

     A knock on his bedroom door was the last thing he wanted to hear. “Fuck off!”

     But Zach entered anyway. He had the same pity painted on his face that Jess had. “You knew?” he asked, suddenly filled with a newfound rage.

     Zach put his hands out in front of him. “No...well, yeah. I did know, but if I told you, you wouldn’t have believed me anyway.”

     Alex threw his cane at the wall and collapsed onto his bed. Though he couldn’t see his face, Zach knew he was crying by the violent shake of his shoulders. “It was our anniversary,” he sniffed and started crying again.

     Zach took the spot next to him on the bed. “I know…” It was hard to see him like this. There had been multiple days where Alex had broken down over something, but nothing like this. This wasn’t something that he could just get over in a day or so. He cursed Jess for letting it go on for this long no matter how hard he begged her not to.

     “She’s probably been sleeping with him for weeks.”

     “I know,” he said again.

     “Well, what don’t you know?” he barked. The frustration and pain were clear on his face as he looked up at the boy sitting next to him. “She lied to me and cheated on me and made me look like a fool. And I just trusted her…” he buried his head in his hands and Zach brought him into his chest as he continued to sob.

     Zach attempted to soothe him by running a few fingers through Alex’s messy hair. He could feel the tears begin to soak through the front of his shirt. With no other idea of how to help he pulled Alex closer to him and held him tighter. “You’re not a fool, Alex. You just couldn’t... I don’t know. But you’re no fool. You’re a strong person who’s gone through more than a lot of us combined,” he felt as Alex slowly relaxed into his arms. “You survived a bullet to the brain and came out with only minor complications. No fool could do that.”

     “I just thought she loved me,” he whimpered. The sound brought out a feeling of irritation in Zach. She knew what she was doing to him, but still continued to date him and sleep around with Justin. It pissed him off.

     “You are loved, Alex.”

     “I’m not! I’m a cripple. Nobody loves a fucking cripple.”

     He held onto Alex’s shoulders and looked into his eyes. “I love you, okay? Maybe Jess did love you or maybe she didn’t, but I love you,” Zach didn’t realize what he was saying until the words had already spewed from his mouth. He didn’t expect anything from it, he was just telling Alex that he was loved. Zach meant it, every word. He loved Alex, not because of any sort of intimate reasons, but because Alex was a good person with an amazing heart and personality. Most importantly, Alex was a good friend. In the last few months, Alex had become one of Zach’s closest and most cherished friend.

     So when his closest friend closed the space between the two of them and kissed him, of course it came to him as a shock. Alex’s hand was shaking as he placed it on Zach’s cheek. The kiss was fast and bruising like Alex thought if he pressed hard enough he could feel something. And for a second he did, they both did. It was a surprising spark like some dormant nerve had ignited in both of them. It made Zach slide closer to his friend, intertwining their legs and holding onto his waist. But as quick as the spark came, it went away. Zach pushed away from his friend, nearly tumbling over the side of the bed. He shot up and made his way to the other side of the room.

     No words were exchanged, just the stunned look on both of their faces. Alex didn’t mean to do that. He was just trying to blow an eyelash from Zach’s cheek or hug him for saying such nice words. Frankly, Alex didn’t know what the hell he meant to do, but it wasn’t _that_. Zach was just being there for him, something that he was really grateful for. It was a moment of weakness; Alex didn’t feel loved, Zach told him he was loved, Alex was truly happy that he said that so he kissed him. See? No big deal…

     But why did he want to do it again?

     Zach could ask the same question, but instead, he took the silent opportunity to gather his things. “I think it would be best if I leave…” he offered awkwardly. “I’m sorry about the whole Jess thing. Um...well, yeah,” He sputtered a few words of nonsense and started to leave. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

     Alex nodded, waiting until Zach had fully shut his door to flop back on his bed and exhale the breath he was so anxiously holding. He covered his face with his hands, “What. The. Fuck.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed <3


	2. Mamihlapinatapei

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mamihlapinatapei- A wordless, yet meaningful look between two people who both desire to initiate something, but both are too scared to initiate themselves.

     There was no friendly breakfast that morning. Instead, Alex woke up like every other morning he had when he wasn’t with Jess; alone. He woke up alone, got dressed alone, and ate breakfast alone. The only thing he didn’t--couldn’t--do alone was drive. Which is why the ride to school was uncomfortably awkward as Zach blasted his music the entire way there in order to avoid any sort of conversation. It was a good thing though; Alex didn’t want to talk about it either. It was just a dumb kiss that meant nothing to either of them anyway. There was actually nothing to talk about. He _definitely_ did not need to mention to Zach how the thought of that kiss kept him up for most of the night. And Zach clearly did not need to mention to Alex that he kind of, sort of wanted to do it again. Nope, there was nothing to talk about.

     As soon as they pulled into the school parking lot, Alex grabbed his stuff and left in the direction of the hallway before Zach could try to help him. Zach shrugged it off, they were both a little late to their first class. Eventually, Alex caught onto the stare that Zach was glaring into the side of his head the entire class period. He reciprocated the stare for merely a second before returning his gaze back to the board like the good student Zach knew he wasn’t. He couldn’t quite pick out the reason why Alex was ignoring him--yeah he could, he just didn’t want to think about it either. Lunch was no different from the beginning of the day. The moment Zach sat down at the table just so happened to be the second Alex finished his lunch. He managed to get a simple “Bye” from him before he quickly limped away. Zach offered to give him a ride home after their last period, but he had settled to wait the 2 hours until his dad showed up. This lasted three days. No matter how hard Zach tried to have a conversation with him, the only words Alex spoke to Zach were “Hi” and “Thanks”. It frustrated the him immensely. Yeah, the kiss was awkward and unprecedented, but that didn’t mean they had to end their friendship because of it.

     Since Alex refrained from eating with both Zach and Jess, Zach was forced to eat with Jess, Justin, Clay, and Scott. By the third day, Jess had realized something was wrong with the brunette boy eating in front of her. Instead of 5 boxes of Fruit Loops, he only ate 3, his face was solemn and he was unusually quiet during lunch.

     “Is everything ok, Zach? Is Alex avoiding you too?” He nodded in response. She gave him a soft smile, she knew exactly how he felt. Alex wouldn’t even look in her general direction. “What happened between you two?”

    His immediate thought was what happened a few nights ago. The moment in its entirety played out in his head. The tears, the kiss, the silk feeling of his lips, the intertwining of their legs, the aftermath, and the awkwardness afterward. It was the first time he thought about the entire ordeal in a few days. He choked and wiped the dripping milk from his chin. He shook his head and avoided the subject. “I have PT with him today, so we can talk then,” he packed his backpack up with the rest of his lunch and rose from the table. “I’ll see you guys later.”

* * *

 

     “Alright, just two more and we’re done,” Zach held the exercise bike in the water while he pedaled at a slow pace. Alex was losing strength in his leg from overworking, but he was not going to let Zach see him fail. He used whatever strength he had left to force his legs to move the pedals below him. Despite his best efforts, his leg ultimately slipped from the pedal taking his body under the frigid water. Zach wasn’t quick enough to catch him from falling. He plunged underneath the water after him grabbing onto his waist and hoisting him above the water. Panic set in as Zach realized there was a small gash on the side of his head from hitting the floor. He placed one hand on his waist and the other underneath his legs and carried him out before blood started seeping into the water.

     It didn’t look bad, but that didn’t stop Zach’s shaking hands as he drove to ER. Alex came to halfway there. “What’s going on?” he asked groggily.

     “Y-you slipped and hit your head on the pool floor.”

     It was silent for a little while after that. Zach occasionally looked over at Alex to make sure that he was still breathing. He felt so stupid, he should have been holding on to Alex like he usually did instead of the bike, but he stopped himself from touching Alex’s bare waist. It felt weird after what they did, and even though he didn’t want the kiss to affect their relationship...it kinda did.

     “Where are we going?” Alex asked after a few minutes.

     “The ER. You’re bleeding…”

     Alex lifted his hand to check the cut on his temple. “Take me home,” he scoffed. “It’s not that bad.”

     “But you’re bleeding--”

     “And you sound like my mother. All I need is a band-aid and some alcohol.”

     Zach checked the cut again and realized that the ER did seem a little overdramatic. He took a detour to a drug store to get a medkit and then headed to Alex’s house. The drive there was quiet enough to make Zach anxious, he needed to get something off his chest. “So, uh...why have you been ignoring me?” It made him sound like some jealous boyfriend--which he wasn't--but it was something that was bugging him.

     Alex knew this would come eventually. He genuinely didn’t have an exact reason as to why he ignored Zach. The only logical reason was the kiss, but he did not want that to mess up the friendship that they had. The past week or so had just been too much to swallow in just one day, so he felt like taking a few days to himself. “I don’t know,” he shrugged, leaving his inner monologue out of the conversation.

     That wasn't exactly the answer Zach was looking for but decided that it was good enough that Alex was even speaking to him again. They drove the rest of the way in silence.

* * *

 

     A few minutes passed as Zach paced the room and waited for Alex. He came out with a small gauze taped to his head and a bottle of ibuprofen.

     “See?” he said, displaying the bandage like it was no big deal. “I’m fine.”

     Zach seemed relieved. He motioned for his friend to sit next to him. No matter how “fine” Alex looked, Zach’s brain kept nagging at him. This was partially his fault, “I should’ve held onto you…”

     “I’m not some glass doll, Zach. I won’t break that easily.” Alex leaned down to try to catch Zach’s eyes. He wouldn’t look at him. Realizing how much he was beating himself up over this, Alex nudged him with his shoulder. “This isn’t even the worse of our PT sessions…”

     That got Zach to look up, “What do you mean?”

     “Well...A certain fight in the locker room ending in an unexpected way…” Alex trailed off, feeling slightly embarrassed.

     “Ohhhh…” Zach responded as he finally connected the dots. “That was also partially my fault. I didn’t know how to react, it kinda just popped up out of nowhere,” They both laughed at that, reminiscing about the awkward ride home they had that night. They swore never to mention what happened to anyone else.

     “Hey, at least you helped me get my dick to work. So...thanks.” Alex laid a friendly hand on his shoulder.

     “My pleasur--I mean..wait no....that’s not what I meant.” Zach passed a flustered hand through his hair and laughed. “I didn’t take pleasure in giving you a boner, I’m just glad...it works?” he decided to stop talking after that. He was digging himself into a deep, deep hole.

     Alex erupted in a fit of laughter, going as far as folding over himself and wiping a fake tear from his eye. Zach joined eventually enjoying how Alex found humor in his babbling.

     Zach was the first to stop after a few minutes, taking in the look of Alex’s teeth as they beamed while he laughed. It was an exaggerated but genuine laugh, something that hasn’t come out of Alex in a while. He liked the way a smile looked on him.

     “I’m glad to see you smiling after everything that’s happened,” he confessed. He watched as Alex’s face softened. His smile was sincere and bright.

     “Thanks to you…” Alex wasn’t one to get shy, but something unknown to him made his cheeks burn a light pink. He thought it was embarrassing how he reacted to Zach like this. He noticed how Zach continued to stare even as Alex looked away. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

     “Hmm?”

     Alex ruffled his own head of hair and shrugged. “I don’t know you’re just...staring. It’s not making me uncomfortable or anything, just...i don’t know, you’re--” He stopped himself mid-sentence as he realized he began to ramble like an idiot. Zach had seen him at his worse--like comatose worse--but for some reason, this moment felt more embarrassing than anything he had ever done before.

     Zach found himself chuckling at his friend. It made no sense as to why Alex reacted this way, but it was cute nonetheless. Not cute in a way that suggests he’s attracted to Alex, though. He was just naturally cute looking when his cheeks blushed pink like they were at the moment. And they were quite adorable the closer he got to them. In fact, the closer he got, the better they looked until his eyes closed and his hand came up to cup Alex’s warm cheeks. His heart beat slightly quicker than usual and he kissed him slowly.

     Alex tilted his head upwards to deepen the surprising kiss. He didn’t mind kissing his friend like this. It was the one thing that actually sent sparks throughout his body and ignited the faulty appendage below his waist. He inched his body closer to Zach until he was nearly sitting on his lap. It was an odd, dizzy feeling as his mouth was invaded ever so slightly. His gimp hand interrupted the bliss he was feeling, so he placed it onto Zach’s shoulder and leaned in with the rest of his weight until they both lowered carefully onto the bed. A gasp caught in his throat as a shock ran throughout his being after rubbing against the man underneath him.

     Zach’s brain went hazy a while ago. Somewhere between the small peck they shared at the beginning of their kiss and the point in time where he got a taste of the sweetness that was the inside of Alex’s mouth. The light moans that slipped from the man on top of him brought blood down past his waist so quickly he became lightheaded. It made his body buzz as the ecstasy took over his entire being, except...it wasn’t ecstasy. The longer he focused on the buzzing in his body, the more he realized that the vibration was actually the phone in his pocket.

     “What time is it?” he breathed against Alex’s mouth.

     “11:30,” Alex replied after taking a quick glance at the clock on his bedside table.

     “Shit!” he groaned, realizing that the only person that would call this late would be the woman that gave birth to him. He motioned for Alex to get off of him and answered the call.

     Alex watched Zach cringe as soon as he answered the phone. He could hear his mom yelling from where he was sitting on the bed. It was a quick but serious call, he soon realized when Zach immediately picked up his things when the call was over.

     “What’s wrong?”

     “Nothing,” he huffed out. “She’s just pissing me off.”

     “Like usual…” he muttered.

     “I got to go before she kills me,” he told him before starting to exit the room.

     “Wait! What the hell was that 2 minutes ago?’

     It was enough to get Zach to stop. He didn’t even consider what that kiss had meant. It was an odd, in the moment kiss. A kiss between friends that would hopefully stop reoccurring. Rather than explaining all of that to Alex, he decided that it would be best for him to just figure it out on his own. Instead, he shrugged and left the room.

     This whole ‘leave after kissing him’ thing was really starting to piss Alex off…

* * *

 

     They had breakfast at school together the next morning. Alex was all smiles, something Zach enjoyed seeing and was seeing a lot lately. He ignored the small hand touches Alex laid on him every few minutes as they talked, taking it up as something Alex probably did all the time but he was just now noticing.

     They were both laughing at a joke about classes when Alex’s laugh was cut short. Zach didn’t need to look any farther than the other side of their table. Jess was standing there with her breakfast in hand, looking down at the two of them.

     “Hey, guys,” was her nervous greeting.

     “Hey, Jess,” he answered excitedly. Maybe today could be the day where they finally made up. Things would go back to normal and Alex could stop kissing him and vice versa.

     “What do you want?” Alex sneered at the girl in front of him.

     “I don’t know,” she answered, taking the seat in front of them. “I just wanted to apologize, I guess--”

     “You guess?”

     “Well, yeah. I don’t know okay? Look--” She tried to hold onto his hand but Alex was quick to move them away from her. He stared blankly at her, “I shouldn’t have cheated and I shouldn’t have lied about it either. I’m a terrible person and I wouldn’t... blame you if you hated me forever,” she avoided eye contact with the both of them, instead focusing on the french toast on her tray. Zach’s skin crawled at the intense, and yet awkward, seconds that passed after her apology. Neither of them said a word for so long Zach began to think he had imagined the whole apology even taking place.

     “I don’t hate you…” was the reply that got both Zach and Jess to look at him. “I just need time to get over you.” she nodded. Zach began to think that the three of them would be able to have breakfast again like they used to. It was a pleasant feeling that died as soon as  Alex began to stand up from the table and limp in the direction of the hallway.

     “I’ll go…” he trailed off and Jess nodded. She gave him a small smile but Zach didn’t miss the pout that came right after it. He watched as she left to go sit with Clay and the rest before throwing his food away and looking for the crippled man.

     Zach was quick to catch up to him. “Where are you going?”

     “I don’t know,” he replied, clearly walking in the direction of the locker rooms.

     It didn’t take a scientist to know that Alex was pretty frustrated; no matter how hard he tried to hide it. It was in his walk, the meticulous and usually slow walk was replaced by a quick and rushed limp. Each step was accompanied by a huff of air, Zach was surprised he didn’t pass out before they reached the room. Even when they reached the seclusion of the locker room, Alex paced back and forth between the rows of lockers; his cane clicking every few seconds against the hard tile beneath it. It seemed like nothing in the world could calm this man down. Zach watched on for a little while, deciding that it was best to just let Alex cool off before talking sense into him.

     He mumbled something Zach wasn’t able to hear. “What?” He reached out for the pacing figure but Alex continued. “C-can you stop for a sec?” He looked up for a split second only to continuing pacing like Zach didn’t exist. He finally decided to approach Alex, holding his hand out carefully while he continued to pace. He kept mumbling incoherently to himself. “Alex...Alex!”-- he got a hold of the boy’s arm and forced him to stand still-- “What are you saying?”

     “What does Justin have that I don’t?” he yelled, looking up at Zach with bloodshot eyes and a puffy face. “I did _everything_ for her! But all he has to do is show up with his stupid fucking puppy dog eyes and she’s all over him.” he rolled his eyes and tried to push away from Zach but his wrists were held in a tight grip. “Let go,” he insisted, struggling against the strong man in front of him. “I’m fine,” but Zach knew otherwise. He looked down at the struggling man until he began to cry again. He leaned his head onto Zach’s chest and let out choked sobs into the fabric of his shirt. “What did I do wrong?” he whimpered.

     “You can’t compare yourself to Justin, Alex. You are two different people,” he forced Alex to look at him. “Jess made her decision and that is not your fault.”

     “I just want this shit to go away…” he sniffed. Zach hugged his arms around Alex’s neck and held him tightly. It took a few seconds, but he eventually felt hands wrap around his waist and reciprocate the hug. Zach rested his chin on the top of Alex’s head and held him upright.

     No matter how frustrated Alex became, Zach’s arms were a familiar place that he always felt comfortable in.


	3. Forelsket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forelsket- That overwhelming euphoric feeling you experience when you’re falling in love with someone.

     “I’m going to let you go…” Zach made sure that Alex looked him in the eyes. He wanted to know that Alex was going to be okay with this. Alex nodded, releasing the arm around Zach’s shoulder and taking a step forward. The phantom touch of Zach’s hands on his waist disappeared altogether and a feeling of uneasiness and uncertainty passed through Alex’s entire body. The all too familiar feeling of sharp, needle pain in his hips was barely there as he took another step forward, and another, and another until he was multiple steps away from where he started. He could hear the exaggerated cheers behind him made by his friend, his trainer, as he straightened his back and began to take another step. The second his heel touched the wet cement, something felt off again; his body lurched forward involuntarily and he witnessed himself dive towards the floor hands first. He caught himself, landing on his hands and knees instead of ending the large milestone face first on the floor. 

     Zach rushed to his aid, helping him off the cement and into a tight squeeze. He was lifted off the ground and twirled around while all the other occupants of the public pool watched.

     Zach’s deep laugh reverberated in his ears and against his chest. “You did it, dude! That was, like, 6 more steps than last time!” Alex smiled at the pure excitement on his friend’s face. His eyes were wide and looked goofier than they normally did, but they perfectly matched the stretched smile that accompanied them. Zach was really proud of Alex for something that Alex thought was so... _small._ Like, so what, he can walk 10 steps without his cane it’s not like he’ll be able to run a triathlon anytime soon. Zach’s reaction seemed to prove otherwise. Alex couldn’t help but laugh at him as he watched Zach dance his way into the pool locker room. Alex rested his weight on his cane and looked on at the terrible dance moves in front of him. Zach lifted his hands in the air and moved his hips around in a circle singing “I’m the best personal trainer” over and over again. Alex decided it was the best time to stop the madness as his trainer began at a failed attempt to twerk.

     “It’s not that big a deal,” he stated, making his way past Zach and towards the locker.

    By the time he had noticed Zach had a hold on his forearm, it was too late. He was quickly spun around and dipped in a matter of seconds like they were dancing the tango in a ballroom. His chest landed against Zach’s and they were breathing quite hard. “Of course it’s a big deal,” Zach insisted. “We should go out and celebrate.”

     Alex’s eyes went far too wide for his head, “G-go out? W-where?” he stammered, cursing whatever it was that was making him trip and fumble over his words. He avoided thinking about the mere inches between him and Zach in order to get himself back together. Whatever he was feeling...it wasn’t good.

     Zach noticed how uncomfortable Alex looked and backed away a few inches. “No idea. How about we walk the pier?” He reached inside the locker and pulled out his dry clothes; Alex did the same. The shirt was always easy to do, it was the pants that Alex had to worry about. _One foot after the other, not that hard,_ was what his brain said. His feet did otherwise. One pesky puddle on the slippery locker room floor was enough to have Alex grabbing for the nearest sturdy object; Zach’s arms. He was lucky enough to be caught before hitting the tile. Alex’s mind told him not to look up, to straighten himself up and out of Zach’s arms without looking up, but today seemed like the day to defy all the things his brain told him.

     Alex never got what people saw in dark brown eyes, or eyes in general. He himself had light blues but he never saw any appeal in them, or anyone else’s. But pairing dark brown eyes with such a sincere and worried looking face, slight stubble around the chin and cheeks, dark hair nearly touching down on them from the forehead, _that_...made all the difference. And when one eyebrow cocked up slightly while staring down at him, it was a whole new feeling. “So?” came the voice with the cocked eyebrow.

     “Huh?” he coughed, straightened himself out, and finished putting on the last of his clothes.

     “Is the pier ok?”

     “Yeah, yeah, that’s fine,” he had been so focused on other things, he completely forgot about what subject they were talking about. “But what would we do at the pier anyway. That place is for couples and old people…”

     Zach chuckled at the subtle joke, “I don’t know, but this is something we should celebrate. You’re one step--or should I say 10 steps--closer to walking without any assistance from your cane or the ledge or me. You’re nearly there.”

     Alex rolled his eyes, he really didn’t want to go. But then Zach cocked his head slightly and pouted and Alex couldn’t agree fast enough. “Ok, let’s go then. But you’re paying!”

* * *

 

    “Zach,” Alex whispered from the other side of the silk-covered table. “What the fuck are we doing here?”

    “You said I’m paying so I thought I should at least pay for decent food.”

    “This is the most expensive food on the pier.” He looked around at the other occupants of the restaurant; they were dressed in suits and other formal wear while he and Zach wore casual shorts and t-shirts. “You couldn’t have just taken me to Joe’s Crab Shack or something?”

    “Eat, Alex”

    By the time they were done eating, the bill was up to $100 and Alex felt like utter shit for telling Zach he had to pay. “You really don’t have to do this. We can split, I promise I was just joking earlier.”

    Zach ignored the man in front of him and handed the waitress his card. “I agreed to pay, so I’m gonna pay. Stop complaining, you have a man that provides for you.” He winked and the sides of his mouth curled up in a smug smile.

    Alex’s eyes grew wide. He thought that as some not so subtle flirting. “Shut up.”

     They gathered their belongings and merged back into the traffic of the pier on a Friday night. There was an unnerving and unusual amount of people there tonight. Alex’s chest grew tight each time a stranger would bump into him and knock his cane off balance.

    “Can we go somewhere else? There’s a lot of people here today.”

    “What? You want me to hold your hand or something?” Zach mocked.

    “Yeah, sure.” Zach faltered for a few steps. He knew that Alex was joking, but there also seemed to be a little truth behind it. A stranger that was clearly oblivious of his surroundings jostled Zach farther into Alex’s side. The tips of his fingers grazed over the skin on Alex’s hand. It was soft and cold from the wind, Zach wanted to touch it again. He hooked his pinky onto Alex’s, and then his ring finger...and then his middle finger. One by one, Zach slipped each finger between Alex’s until their hands were fully clasped against one another.  After that Zach didn’t think much of it. They walked hand in hand and talked while they went down the pier.

    It took a few minutes, but Alex had finally caught on to the dangerous speed of his heartbeat. It crept up on him like end of the year finals.  The entire trip through the pier he had tried to ignore the feeling of Zach’s hand against his, but now his palms were getting sweaty which made his heart pick up even more which made his hands sweatier, and it soon became a cycle of upbeat heart rates and sweaty palms. He let go of Zach’s hand and walked ahead of him when they got to a clearing in the pier. “Look, Mom, no hands!” he joked as he threw his cane to the side of him and walked forward. He just really needed to get away from Zach and this was the best way of doing so without looking weird. He didn’t know whether it was the adrenaline in his body or the fact that the PT was actually working, but walking didn’t seem as hard as it was this morning. He tested his luck and did a quick spin without fault. He took a few more steps and felt the familiar twinge in his hips. Zach rushed to his side and held him up with a hand wrapped around his hips.

     “Trying to show off?” he chuckled. He pressed Alex closer to him, their hips rested against one another’s and Zach slightly tightened the grip on Alex’s hip. Alex intertwined his hands behind Zach’s neck, letting the cane sit idle against the railing.

     “Why wouldn’t I? You taught me how to walk right again, the least I can do to repay you is to ‘show off’,” Zach smiled at this, but he meant every word. Alex truly couldn’t have progressed as much as he had without the help of the man in front of him. Alex pushed back the hair on Zach’s forehead, forgetting how intimately close the two were standing. To any other bystander, it would oddly look like the two were dating, and even Alex considered it for a second; it may feel weird at first, but he wasn’t _against_ the idea of dating Zach. The tall man bent down ever so slightly and nudged Alex’s nose with his own. Alex had kissed Zach before, twice if anyone was counting, but both times came as a shock to them and no matter how intimate the last two were, they were never like this. This was like breaking a whole other boundary, this was in public, they were intimately close to each other, people were watching, this was something couples do.

    _This was something couples do._

    Before Zach could close their lips together, Alex backed his head away slightly, “We...should go get ice cream…” Alex could see the odd disappointment in his face but stuck to what he said. He separated from the man and headed towards the petite ice cream shop nearby. Zach trailed close behind him, reaching into his pocket to grab his wallet. Alex quickly stopped him.

     “You paid $100 for dinner. I’m gonna take this one.”

     They waited outside for Zach’s ice cream while Alex enjoyed his simple vanilla cone. There was a movie playing across from the ice cream shop and Alex watched on contently. It was a kids movie, but he laughed at the jokes regardless. Hands snaking around his waist pulled him away from his distraction. “Hmmf...what are you doing?”

     Zach rested his chin on his shoulder, “Watching the movie…”

     “With your hands around my waist?”

     “Mmhhm…”

     Alex gave in and decided not to question anything anymore. Alex wasn’t arguing anyway, he liked the warmth of someone pressed against his back, it was a nice feeling. He sighed, leaned back against Zach, and continued with his ice cream, “This doesn’t mean I’m putting out.”

     Zach groaned, “Damnit. After all this, you sure?” Alex nodded, enabling a chuckle from both of them.

     The warmth left Alex’s body suddenly and prompted him to turn around and see why. Zach came back quickly, holding a cone with two scoops of chocolate ice cream and a mountain of toppings, happy as can be. A small smudge of chocolate ice cream was left on the side of Zach’s mouth by the time he was finished, it went unnoticed by him, but Alex couldn’t let it just sit there.

     “You have...something,”

     “Hmm?”

     “Nothing,” Alex began to turn around but Zach pulled him back to face him, leaving his hand to rest on Alex’s waist.

     “What is it?”

     Alex cursed himself. He felt so submissive whenever Zach had a grip on him and it wasn’t like him at all. It didn’t make any sense to him, why the fuck was he reacting this way. He reached up and wiped the smudge off of Zach’s lip, licking the pad of his thumb afterward, “You had some leftover ice cream on your mouth.” He felt so small as Zach continued to stare down at him. He was acting like he had some sort of schoolgirl crush.

     "Is that so?” Zach asked. He didn’t give Alex enough time to answer as the words were forgotten about as soon as Zach’s lips were on his. He leaned upwards and allowed Zach to hold onto his lower back and secure him in place. He cupped Alex’s cold cheek and Alex nearly melted against the warmth of his hand.

     And at that moment he realized that a schoolgirl crush was exactly what he had.

* * *

 

     Zach tightened the grip on the steering wheel as he drove home. He should not have done anything that he did today. He shouldn’t have taken him to a fancy dinner or kissed him at the pier, and in the car, and at his house…” _Fuck,_ ” he cursed to himself. This was messing with his head, with Alex’s head. Zach didn’t have any exact reason why he acted so affectionate with Alex. What they had wasn’t a date and he shouldn’t have acted like it was. It started off as a celebration for Alex’s progress at PT, but it just went south once they left the restaurant. Holding his friend and  kissing his friend wasn’t normal. He’s supposed to be finding a girlfriend by now, and setting a future for himself, not messing around with his friend behind the backs of his friends and family.

     But Alex looked so happy today and....

     He stomped on the brakes suddenly, so caught up in his thoughts that he barely noticed the bright red stoplight. This needed to stop. All of this was too much for him to handle at this point.

     The light turned green and he turned in the direction of his house.

    

* * *

 

    He came out of the shower to a few messages from Alex.

   

    Alex :) : _Thanks for today I had fun_

_Idk why but i’m not afraid to talk to you about stuff like I am with most people_

_Idk i like you_

_*I like TALKING to you_

    Zach scoffed a little,

    Zach <3:   _Are confessing something to me standall?_

    Alex :) : _Idk DEMPSEY_

_Am I?_

Zach didn’t really know how to reply so he left him on read and continued to get dressed. When he checked his messages again, Alex had sent him another text.

   

    Alex :) : _Did you really date Hannah?_

Zach  <3: _Where did that come from?_

_Alex :) : Idk just wondering i guess_

 

_Buffering speech bubble..._

_Zach <3: Yeah _

   

    It took a little while for Alex to reply after.

    Alex :) : _Without letting any of us know?_

 

_Zach <3: Ye. _

_It was just something for us to know I guess…_

 

Alex :) : _Do you think she wanted us to know?_

 

Zach was a little confused as to why he was asking all these questions now.

    Zach <3: _Yeah I think so._

_But i was a coward and didn’t say anything._

 

Alex took a few more minutes to reply again. The speech bubble that showed that he was typing buffered on for a while.

    Alex :) : _If you ever dated me or something_

_Or someone else_

 

_Buffering speech bubble…_

    Alex :) : _Would you hide it too?_

 

    Zach read over the message a few hundred times. ‘ _If you ever dated me or something…_ ’ what does that even mean? It stopped him from answering. He doesn’t even have intense feelings for Alex. Or at least he thinks he doesn’t. And even if he does, is it for the right reasons? Does Zach like him because he  _likes_ him or does he like him because he feels bad for him? This all started because Jess broke up with Alex, so what if  Zach only has these feelings for him based on the fact that Alex was single and at the point of breaking...again.

    Zach couldn’t quite wrap his head around the entire thing. He checked the clock on his phone: _12:30am_. He has practice tomorrow. Instead of answering, he put his phone on ‘Do Not Disturb’ and tried to fall asleep. Meanwhile, Alex stayed up for a few more hours, later realizing that he may never receive a reply

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little gift for those celebrating Thanksgiving today, and even if you aren't, have a wonderful day. I hope you enjoyed <3


	4. L’esprit de escalier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L’esprit de escalier- The inescapable feeling you get when you leave a conversation then think about all the things you should have said.

     It’s been a month and even though Zach didn’t want to admit it, he’d been avoiding Alex ever since their “date”. He stopped giving rides to Alex, using excuses that his mom had the car that day even though the household had about 3 cars he could’ve used. He told Alex that they’d put a hiatus on PT since exercising every week was overworking his body, but he could see that Alex’s progress was quickly regressing; he was relying on his cane a whole lot more than he used to whenever Zach saw him in the hallways. 

     Zach felt a hand clap his shoulder as he opened the locker and turned to see Clay, “Hey, what’s up?”

     “Nothing much. I just had a question.” he hummed in response. “How come you haven’t talked to Alex in a while?”

     Zach froze in place. Why is he asking? “Mind your business.”

     “Well,” Clay started. He turned at an angle so that Zach could see him clearly, “Alex is a friend, so technically he is my business.” He rested a hand on Zach’s shoulder again but he was quick to shrug it off. “Look, all i’m saying is that if you do anything to fuck him up more, I won’t let it slide.”

     Zach turned to face him. “What the hell are you on about?”

     “Don’t act like you don’t know.” Zach shrugged, confused. “Alex likes you, and you know he does,” Zach’s stomach sunk. He knew it was true, but it didn’t become real until it was said out loud. “And it seems like you like him too.”

     He closed his locker and grabbed his backpack, “Clay, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but leave me alone.”  This wasn’t supposed to happen. Zach was supposed to put all this shit behind him and forget that his “ _ feelings”  _ for Alex ever existed. No one was supposed to know and no one was supposed to confront him. 

     Clay grabbed onto his forearm as he started to leave, “Zach, it’s not bad or anything, I’m just asking if--”

     Zach struggled to release himself and pushed Clay into the lockers. “Fuck off! I’m not gay and I would never date that gay boy or bi--whatever! It’s never gonna happen!” Clay puts his hands up in an effort to stop Zach from talking, but it doesn’t work. “The only reason I started getting so close to him was because he’s crippled! Nothing will happen between us.  _ Nothing _ !” Zach tried to convince himself that everything he said was true, but the more words spilled out of his mouth, the worse he felt.

     Alex consumed every word and it felt like eating glass. He immediately regretted asking Clay to talk to Zach for him. Each slur and curse pounded him further and further into the ground. He came from behind the lockers and walked to the exit. There was no point in listening further...

     The familiar sound of Alex’s cane froze Zach. He had this overwhelming feeling, like a punch to the gut, as he looked behind Clay’s head and saw Alex slowly leaving the locker room. “H--Alex!,” he cursed himself and pushed past Clay to try and catch up. He placed a hand on Alex’s shoulder to stop him but he shrugged it off. “Alex, wait, please. I didn’t--” 

     No!” Alex swung around to face him; his turn so sharp that the cane followed his movements and connected with Zach’s face; he fell to the floor and blood immediately leaked from the fresh cut on Zach’s lip.  There was no hiding the shock on both of their faces. Alex nearly bent down to help him but stopped himself. “You don’t get to--” Alex couldn’t finish his sentence, he couldn’t even look at the man below him. Instead,  he turned and left Zach on the floor in the hallway. 

     Clay rushed past him but  Zach grabbed him before he could leave, “Don’t...tell anyone, please.”

     Clay shrugged him off harshly, “You’re pathetic.” he spat before chasing after Alex’s departing figure.

***

     Zach slammed the front door of his house and threw the keys on the table. “Where have you been?’ his mom questioned him as soon as he walked through the kitchen door. 

     “School.”

     She turned his face roughly, “What the hell happened to your lip?”

     “Nothing.”

     “It’s not ‘nothing’, Zach! You have interviewers and scouts to talk to tonight. What are they going to say after seeing  _ that  _ on your lip?”

     “Can you--” he slightly pushes her hand out of his face. “I’ll tell them it was a sports accident if they ask, mom. Can you just lay off me, please? Christ…”

     She watched with folded arms as her son walked out of the kitchen and towards his room.

***

     Zach got home at about 9pm and immediately checked his phone since his mother made him leave it at home to avoid “distractions”. 

__

_      6 messages from Alex :) : _

_      You’re a fucking asshole _

_      Wtf have I ever done to you? _

_      I thought you liked me were you playing me like you played hannah? _

_      Am i just some fucking game to you? _

_      Ill end this game before you can _

_      I’ve killed myself before, i can do it again.  _

 

     Zach called him without hesitation. Every ring made his heart sink further into his stomach. Every call made it feel like his chest was caving in. He kept hope that Alex would eventually pick up the phone, but the 5th time he got his voicemail told him otherwise. He felt the tears stream down his cheeks and pool into his collarbone. His mother looked over to him, “What’s wrong with you?” He ignored her and grabbed the keys to his car. “Zachary Shan-Yung Dempsey, where--” he shut the front door and sprinted over to his car. His heart pumped full with adrenaline as he put the key in the ignition and sped towards Alex’s house. 

***

      Zach used the key to Alex’s front door and ran in the direction of his room. ‘“Alex!” he yelled throughout the house. He mentally tried to prepare himself for whatever he saw in that bedroom, but every scenario filled him more and more with dread. He shoved the door open and looked over to the bed. “Alex? Fuck, Alex!” he rushed over to the limp body on the bed. “Wait, Alex, no no no!” he repeated over and over again as he shook his body and cried. He looked over to the bedside table at the empty bottle of prescription pills and cried even harder. “Please, Alex, no i’m sorry, Alex. I’m sorry, please don’t--” he sobbed and rocked back and forth with Alex lying limp in his arms. Zach couldn’t believe it. He had killed two of his close friends, one right after the other. What the hell was wrong with him? Why did he act like this? If he only accepted the truth then none of this would have happened. He wouldn’t have felt so guilty about being the one that helped kill Hannah; he wouldn’t be here right now holding Alex’s lifeless body.

     Alex raised a hand to rub his eyes. He looked confusedly up at Zach who looked like a total mess. “What are you doing at my house and why are you wearing a suit...and crying?” he asked groggily.

     He pulled Alex into a tight embrace, he swore never to let him go ever again, but Alex pushed him away. “What the hell? If you think hugging me will make me forgive you then you’re so fucking far from the truth.”

     “Jesus Christ, Alex, I thought you were dead. I saw the empty bottle of pills and I thought you overdosed.”

     “Yeah, I use those pills when I’m in pain and they help me sleep. They're  _ empty _ because I used the last of them today,” he scoots farther away from Zach and runs his fingers through his hair, suddenly uncomfortable. “Can you...leave? I don’t want you here.” Zach felt something break inside of him. Hearing those words come out of his mouth hurt more than any sports injury ever could. “I don’t want anything to do with you actually,” Alex couldn’t look at him. It seemed like saying those words hurt him more than it did Zach. 

     “Alex, you do--you don’t mean that.”

     “Alex?” He looked dead into Zach’s eyes, it was a cold, hard stare. “You mean, ‘gay boy’ or ‘bi--whatever’?”

     “I didn’t mean that…”

     “You meant it, Zach!” His voice cracked and he bit his tongue to keep from crying. “You meant every word and I mean every word when I say to never speak to me again.  You fucked it up again, except I won’t kill myself like Hannah did. You’re just gonna have to live with the fact that  _ you  _  ruined this, whatever it was.” Zach tried to reach out to him, but Alex hugged his knees up to his chest and shook his head. “Go,  _ please _ …” he hid his head behind his knees and waited until he heard the sound of Zach leaving to breathe again. 

     Zach weighed out his options on the way home. He could either drive his car into the nearest river or go on and forget that his feelings for Alex ever existed.

     He chose the second option.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't speak any of the languages that my titles are in so if you're native and they're wrong please tell me <3


	5. Ecstasiate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ecstasiate- A state of ecstasy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little NSFW, so young eyes beware.

     Zach wanted to disappear into nothing. He couldn’t compare how he felt now to what he endured when he was with Hannah because this felt nothing like Hannah. He hurt everywhere. Even thinking hurt, something he never thought he could feel. It was like someone tore him apart and forgot about him before they could put him back together again. He missed school, his mom yelled at him every time she caught him at home when he should be elsewhere, he skipped practice… He didn’t feel like doing anything anymore. No matter the methods he went through to get him out of his head, Alex wasn’t leaving his brain anytime soon. To make matters worse, Alex had been ignoring his presence for two weeks now and it seemed like nothing would make him talk to Zach no matter how hard he tried.

 

_Zach <3 : I need to talk to you _

 

_Alex :) : No_

 

_Zach <3 : Alex _

_Please_

 

     Buffering speech bubble

_Alex :) : Fine_

_But this will be the last time_

* * *

     Zach shouldn’t have felt as excited as he did. The feeling in his stomach made him nauseous, but nothing was going to stop him from meeting with Alex at the docks. He was ten minutes early, but Alex was still there before him. He was sitting on the wooden deck facing the stoic boats on the ocean, his feet in the water. Zach kept space between them when he sat down. A chill ran through him as he put his feet in the frigid water.

     “Thanks for meeting me here.”

     “Did I have a choice?” Zach shrunk a few feet at his harsh tone. “You were just going to keep texting me until I answered you.” Zach was silent, how was he supposed to respond? An awkwardness came between the two and they both listened to the sounds of the waves and seagulls above them. “I’ve had time to think about it,” Alex said after a few minutes, “I’m nowhere near okay with what you said, but I can understand it. This is a lot for me too and sometimes I want to snap on someone.”

     “But that doesn’t mean that I had the right to say what I said. I just didn’t think anyone would know, so I got nervous and lashed out and I’m sorry for that.” Zach shuddered at the wind blowing past them. “When you texted me...I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared that I was going to lose you, again. I had to face the facts about myself because every time I avoided them, someone got hurt…” He kicked his feet in the water, suddenly very nervous. “And I really like you, Alex. It’s kinda scary…” He huffed out a puff of air, “Fuck…”

     “D-did you mean what you said?” Alex mentally cursed himself for sounding so small.

     “Of course not!” Zach turned to face him, “And seeing your text messages made me realize even more that I didn’t mean it. I didn’t want to lose you. I _never_ want to lose you.”

    Alex looked down at the water and nodded. He was at a loss for words. On one hand, he was still pissed at Zach for what he said, but he couldn’t help the way his cheeks flushed a bright shade of red after hearing that Zach truly liked him. It was confusing, and scary, and oddly...nice. “Those messages...I wasn’t really going to…”

     “I know that now. But you can’t fucking text shit like that to a person and then take sleeping pills, Alex.”

     “I know, I know. The timing was terrible on my part. But _you_ can’t lash out and call me ‘gay boy’ and expect me to be okay with it.”

     “Okay, so we both messed up. Me way more than you, but that's beside the point.” He took Alex’s hands and looked at him. “Trust me when I say that I never want to hurt you again.” He hesitated before speaking again, “And if I do you can break up with me and never speak to me again and I’ll totally understand.”

     “Break up with you? I didn’t think we were dating,” he laughed, suddenly nervous.

     “Only if you want to, though. We can just stop now and stay friends…”

     “No, No!” Alex coughed, he sounded a little too eager. “I do. I mean, we can try something…”

     Zach’s grin stretched to his ears, “Yeah?”

     “Yeah,” Alex scooted a little closer and rested his head on Zach’s shoulder. They both breathed a sigh of relief and watched the waves as boats departed the docks.

     Zach broke the silence a few minutes later. “I brought Hannah here a few times.” He smiled to himself, “I think she liked it here more than I did.”

     “How come you never said anything to me or Clay, or anyone for that matter?”

     “At first I convinced myself it was to save Hannah from the backlash she would get from the rest of the team and the school,” He felt himself choke up slightly and he cleared his throat to stop it. “But when I got up on the stand last year, none of it seemed true. I just felt like she came with a reputation and I didn’t want that to ruin mine. I had colleges visiting me and offering me scholarships and I couldn’t let the fact that I was with her mess things up for me.” He placed his head in his hands and groaned. “I know this makes me seem like an asshole, but I knew that half the shit people said about her wasn’t true; there was just no easy way for me to explain that to everyone else. Everybody already had their opinions set on her and convincing them otherwise would’ve just been a waste of breath…” Alex held onto Zach’s hand as he sniffed and failed to hold back his tears. “And maybe if I said something -- _anything_ \-- about our relationship before...maybe it could’ve helped. I could’ve helped her and saved her from herself if I just stepped up and said something.”

     He began to cry harder, taking shelter in Alex’s arms as he did. Alex ran a comforting hand through his hair and held onto him. “Hannah had many reasons why she did it, and I am 100% sure you were not the deciding factor. You can’t blame yourself and tell yourself that you’re the reason when you don’t know if that’s true.”

     “Why’d you do it?” Zach looked shocked at his own question, “I mean...you don’t have to answer. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that…”

     “No, you’re fine,” Alex laughed slightly. “Other than what I put in the letter, I don’t really remember why. I remember weeks before I did it and then what people told me after I woke up, but I don’t remember doing it or why…” He shrugged. “I remember how it felt though, mentally. Sometimes I still feel that way...empty. Some days it takes me hours to get out of bed, other days I feel like I’ll start crying but I never do. Even when I was with Jess I felt like I was alone, except I felt it less when I was with her.”

     Zach intertwined his fingers with his and let Alex rest his head on his shoulder, “Well, I hope you feel okay with me. And whenever something happens, good or bad, we can come to each other.”

     Alex nodded and leaned up to kiss the side of his cheek.

     Eventually, they got up and left the dock. Zach treated Alex to dinner at a restaurant on the pier, and Alex made sure it was something less expensive than last time. After dinner, Zach watched at how the sunset cast an array of colors on Alex’s face as they looked out at the ocean. He took a mental picture of the moment; Alex’s calm being, his toes wiggling around in the sand, their hands intertwined and resting on his lap, the waves crashing lightly against the shore. Everything was perfect.

* * *

 

     “Babe, if you keep going that slow, I’m going to explode,” Zach groaned, tapping his foot impatiently on Alex’s carpet.

     “Hush, I know what I’m doing…” Alex focused intently at the task at hand.

     “Alex, please. Can you do it a little faster?”

     “Got it!” Alex said triumphantly. “Hold the button until there's a one on the timer.”

     Zach did just that and sighed as the timer stopped, “Bomb disarmed.” They both laughed at the intensity of their gameplay. They’d been at this game for hours and managed to disarm only a few bombs. Alex was terrible at reading directions quickly and Zach was very impatient. Alex’s mom poked her head in to tell the two that they were leaving for dinner. Zach had been over almost every day since they started dating last month, so seeing him was no surprise for Alex’s mom. They switched games to a multiplayer shooter and focused again on the gameplay.

     “So you honestly haven’t jerked off since you broke up with Jess?” Zach asked, randomly referencing the conversation they had on the way home from the pool. Alex nearly forgot about the conversation.

     “Yeah, I guess I never had any motivation,” he shrugged.    

     “That’s a pretty long time; could be a record.”

     “Hardly. I lasted half a year, last year, not counting the months that I was in a coma.”

     Zach looked both impressed and concerned. “Interesting. How?”

     Alex cursed as his character died in battle again. “Um... it was after my coma and nothing really worked. When I said you were the one to get my dick to work again, I wasn’t joking,” They both laughed.

     “I, um,” Zach laughed awkwardly. “If I’m being quite honest with you...in the locker room, when I said I didn’t know what to do, I was actually kind of afraid of what I might have done.”

     “Like what?” Alex asked, clearly intrigued.

     Zach shrugged. “It’s nothing actually. Just a thought.”

     “Oh no no, you can’t just say that and then leave me out to dry.” He paused the game and turned towards Zach. “Tell me more.”

     Zach laughed awkwardly, “You’re not serious…” Alex did not seem to be moving, instead, he continued to look at Zach and waited for him to continue. He set his controller down and turned towards his boyfriend. They both looked at each other knowing that something was different. Zach shifted closer to Alex, causing his breath to come and go a little quicker. “Well,” he started, moving Alex’s legs until they were on opposite sides of his hips. “It would’ve been pretty hard to lay you down in the locker room ‘cause the benches were so small, but if we were somewhere like...I don’t know, your house or something, I would have laid you down on your bed,” he pressed a hand against Alex’s chest and pushed him back slightly until he was lying down on his covers and Zach was situated between his legs.

     “Go on,” Alex says, clearly half lost to Zach’s words.

     Zach chuckled slightly, “I’ve never really done this before…”

     “Oh yes, and I’m such an expert at this myself,” he said sarcastically. “Keep going.”

     “Well we don’t want you injuring yourself more, so I would have made sure that you had no way to move your hands,” He gathered Alex’s wrists in one hand and pinned them above his head. Alex bit his lips and felt as his cheeks burned, he felt helpless and a little flustered at their position. Zach continued, “I would’ve unbuckled your jeans.”

     “I wasn’t wearing jeans in the locker room.”

     “You are now,” Zach countered, unbuckling Alex’s jeans and sliding them down his hips with his free hand. Alex gasped as the fabric ran over his sensitive tip. Zach hadn’t even touched him and yet he already felt overwhelmed, everything felt so new.

     “You’ve done this with Jess right?” Zach asked. He was trying to find where to set the boundary and wanted to know how far things were going to go.

     Alex tried to cover his eyes with his hands but Zach held a tight grip. It was kind of embarrassing for him to have a girlfriend for 4 months and never _do_ anything. He closed his eyes and turned his head to the side.

     “Hey, hold on,” Zach used his fingers to guide his chin to face him, “Look at me.” Alex debated being stubborn but chose to look up at the man on top of him. Zach looked more serious than he’s ever seen him. “There’s nothing for you to be embarrassed about, dude. Okay?” Alex nodded. “And if you ever feel uncomfortable, tell me. I want you to feel safe and taken care of when you’re with me, you got that?” Alex felt very vulnerable having his pants off and his boyfriend on top of him, but he nodded anyway.  Zach kissed him roughly but used his thumb to rub soft circles on Alex’s cheek. Zach leaned back to take off his shirt and motioned for Alex to do the same.

     Though Alex looked skinny on the outside, Zach could see the defined abs he had developed from their PT sessions. It was nice being able to see him like this. Though he saw him shirtless plenty of times in the locker room, he was never able to get a closer look. He ran a hand down his chest and Alex gasped as his cold hands glided over his nipple. He kissed him again, using his tongue to open Alex’s mouth slightly. His free hand was used to remove his own pants, never breaking their kiss. He kissed the side of his jaw and slowly left a trail from his neck down to his chest. The warmth of Zach’s breath on the slightly hardened bud of his nipple was enough for Alex to arch slightly off the bed.

     “Sensitive, huh?” Zach teased.

     “Shut up,” Alex warned through clenched teeth.

     Zach licked over the sensitive bud, causing Alex to wiggle underneath him. He used his free hand to remove both of their boxers and continued the torture on his nipples. Alex’s breath hitched in his throat as he tried desperately to keep still. After a while, Zach traveled back up to capture his lips again. He lowered himself onto Alex and they both gasped from the contact. He groaned into his mouth and moved his hips at a slow pace, slowly losing himself. Alex wondered how long he could continue to hold out. He was pretty sure he left nail indents into Zach’s hand as he held on tightly during the teasing his body went through. He was surprised at the sounds that Zach made; they penetrated deep into his ears and vibrated throughout his entire body. Zach eventually pulled the lube from the bedside table to make things a little easier. He reached his hand between the two of them and Alex nearly lost it at the feeling of them both in Zach’s hand. A moaned crept up in his throat and he bit down on Zach’s shoulder to keep it from leaving. They moved together in Zach’s slick hand. Alex’s thrusts slowly became erratic until his back arched off the bed once more and his mouth opened slightly, releasing a sound Zach had never heard before. He tensed up and spilled onto his own stomach while Zach watched in awe; he had never seen Alex like this before, so vocal, so open. It brought him to his own release, removing his hands from Alex’s wrists and using it to hold himself up.

     They were breathing hard and Zach rolled over to the side as they came down from their orgasms. Alex used an old shirt from the floor to clean himself off and handed it to Zach to wipe his hands. The smaller man turned over on his side and watched as Zach stared up at the ceiling, still breathing pretty hard. He reached up to touch the small bite mark that was forming a bruise on his shoulder.

     “Ow,” Zach winced slightly.

     Alex blushed hard, realizing that he bit down harder than he thought. “Sorry…”

     Zach turned over and faced him. He took his hand and kissed it. “Don’t be. I kinda liked it,” he smiled and moved the sweat-drenched hair out of Alex’s face. “Wear a turtleneck tomorrow,” he said, running his finger over a darkening mark on Alex’s neck.

     A realization came hard as he remembered that there was no way to explain the hickey to the others without them suspecting something. “Should we tell the others?” he asked, watching Zach to see what his reaction would be.

     Zach looked up to see if Alex was actually thinking about it. His expression was more serious than he thought it would be. He squeezed Alex’s hand a little, “Yeah, whenever the time is right.”

     Alex nodded, and though his heart pounded 10x faster at the thought of talking about their relationship to other people, he kissed Zach as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

 


	6. Redamancy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Redamancy- to return someone’s feelings of love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to go up on valentine's day but I'm terrible at doing things on time. Anyway, here it is, almost a month late. I hope you enjoy <3

     “Alex is my boyfriend,” Zach said in a serious tone. “Alex...is MY boyfriend,” he said a little louder. “No, that’s too aggressive.” He ruffled his hair and looked at himself in the mirror.

     A smile crept up on his face as thoughts from the last few months came into his mind. He thought about the soft sounds Alex made as he slept and the way he clings to Zach every night. Nearly every time he wakes up, Alex is wrapped around him in some sort of way and Zach has to figure out a way to untangle himself without disturbing him. He thought about how Alex sticks his tongue out slightly whenever he concentrates on something and then blushes hard whenever he catches Zach staring at him. He thought about how Alex struts proudly around the house without his cane just to show Zach how much he’s improving. And when they get really into it, Zach’s name slips from his lips and Zach feels proud every time. 

     “Alex is my boyfriend,” he said confidently.

     “I am?” Alex asked from the doorway of the bathroom. He rested his arms on Zach’s shoulders and kissed him softly. “It’s about time. I was starting to think all this kissing was a little too intimate for us to be just friends.” he smiled and kissed him again.

     “I was just practicing for today.”

     “Well, you sound good to me.”

* * *

 

     Zach held a death grip on Alex’s hand for the entire drive. Alex looked over to his boyfriend, his face looked very concentrated but it wasn’t on the road. “You want me to drive?”

     Zach scoffed slightly, “I love you, but I think if you drive, we wouldn’t even make it to the parking lot.”

     “Should I be offended?”

     Zach put the car in park and kissed Alex’s temple, “No…”

     “Are you sure you’re ready?” he gestured between the two of them, “for this...I know I’m freaking out on the inside, but I don’t have anything to lose. You on the other hand…”

     “Is this your way of making me feel better?”

     Alex pouted slightly, “I’m sorry. This is just...a lot, for both of us.”

     “You don’t think this will affect our friendships, do you?”

     “I think they’ll be fine. And even if they aren’t,” Alex cupped his cheek and kissed him again, “we’ll have each other.”

     “Yeah,” Zach mumbled, still wracking his brain over the fact that this one small action could ruin his career in the blink of an eye.

* * *

 

     The plan was to do it at breakfast before class. Zach abruptly stopped in the middle of the hallway right before the cafeteria. He wrung his hands and paced slightly. 

     “What is it?” Alex asked, clearly concerned.

     “I...I don’t have anything prepared.”

     Alex rubbed a hand up his arm. “You prepared, all morning...What do you mean?”

     “I mean...I need to go back to my car.”

     “If we don’t do this now we’ll have to wait until lunch,” but Zach continued to walk in the opposite direction, slowly picking up speed along the way until he was sprinting the distance up to his car. 

     He slammed the car door shut once he was inside and placed his head on the steering wheel. His breaths came in faster than they should have. If this goes wrong, he could lose everything he worked hard for, but if he avoids it entirely, he could lose Alex. He tried desperately to convince himself that nothing drastic would happen, but holy fuck was it getting harder and harder to breathe. 

     To make matters worse, there was a loud knock on his window. It was Jess. She was the last person he wanted to see right now, but she was also the only person that could truly help him. He unlocked the door and she entered on the passenger side. 

     “I saw you run to your car and I thought something was wrong. By the looks of it, I was right…”

     He tried his best attempt to smile but it came out as more of a grimace. He quickly realized that he was dating the man that Jess had just broken up with and suddenly it was getting harder to breathe again.

     “Whoa, whoa,” she placed a hand on his back, “Breathe, Zach. What’s got you so freaked out?”

     “Well,” he tried to formulate coherent sentences between breaths. There was no good way to phrase this. “I like this... _ person _ and h--they are really amazing and we’ve been hanging around each other a lot lately... I really like them.”

     “Okay, I don’t see a problem here,” she said, clearly excited about Zach’s new relationship.

     “Yea...but the thing is,  if my friends, teammates and everyone else sees them and I together...well it could mess up a lot of things for me. I really,  _ really _ like h--them, but I don’t know if it’s worth the risk of messing up my future.”

     “Well I, for one, would never leave you over some girl, Zach.”

     “Thanks, Jess, but that doesn’t mean the same for everyone else.”

     “Okay, how long have you known this girl?” 

     “I’ve known them for a few years, but we just started dating a few months ago.”

     “If you lost everything right now and only had her, would you be satisfied?”

     Zach stopped and thought for a second. If Zach truly had nothing left but Alex, could he be satisfied? He thought back to when he had said all those things about Alex and Alex had ignored his presence for merely a few weeks. He didn’t want to play football, or go to school, or eat, or anything, he just wanted...Alex. “Yeah,” he whispered, “I think I’d be pretty satisfied.”

     Jess smiled and lightly punched his shoulder, “Good. Now, who is the lucky girl?”

     “I’ll tell you later."

* * *

     Alex was worried throughout the day after Zach ran off that morning. He hadn’t seen him in his first period and decided to text him the period before their lunch.

_ Alex :) : Are you okay? _

 

_ Zach <3:  Yeah sorry for ditching this morning _

 

_ Alex :) : We don’t have to do this… _

 

_ Zach <3:  No we’re doing this _

_I’ll see you at lunch <3_

 

     Alex couldn’t concentrate the rest of the period. His brain was too focused on the fact that he was about to open up a part of himself to his friends that he hadn’t even known existed just a few months ago. He thought back to how awkward their first kiss was; it was so surprising and nerve-wracking. He thought about how he could always see Zach looking at him from the corner of his eye when they study together. How Zach holds him close to his chest when they sleep and how Alex always feels protected in his arms. How after every football game, Zach comes out of the locker room glistening with sweat and wearing a  victory smile and he scoops Alex up into a bear hug as soon as they get home.

     “Zach and I are dating,” he whispers. He liked the way the words came out so easily and sounded so well together.

* * *

 

     “We have something to tell you guys,” Zach started, praying that his voice would stop shaking long enough for him to form a sentence.

     They had decided not to hold hands when they told their friends, but Alex wanted very much to break that rule.

     “Who died this time?” Justin asked, biting into his sandwich. Jess smacked his arm. “Ow, what?” This was the first time that Alex approached her in weeks and she was not going to let Justin ruin the moment.

     “What’s up?”

     Zach scratched the back of his neck and nudged Alex to continue. “Um… well.”

     “You’re gay,” Scott interrupted before chuckling at his own joke. Jess reached over the table and slapped him in the back of the head. “Ow, I was only joking, man.”

     “What’s really wrong,” Jess asked, daring Clay not to make any sort of joke or else feed her anger.

     “Well,” Alex started. “That’s what we’re here to talk about actually…” he trailed off, watching their reactions. Clay hid a smirk behind his sandwich while Scott looked at them with wide eyes, dumbfounded.

     Jess tilted her head and her eyebrows knitted together. “I don’t understand…”

     “You wanna take over?” Alex whispered to Zach.

     “Yeah, um. Alex and I are…” he cringed at how they were all staring him down at that moment. “We’re dating...We’ve been dating actually. For a few months now…”

     The whole table fell silent for a few seconds and the two began to sweat. Justin was the first to talk, “Well as long as you guys don’t have sex in the middle of the hallway I think we’ll be fine.”

     “Yeah, it doesn’t really bother me,” Scott said, finishing his sandwich.

     “I already knew sooo…” Clay shrugged.

     “So this is that ‘girl’ you really really like, huh?” Jess scoffed.

     “I never said it was a girl…”

     “And you,” she looked at Alex with such anger, it scared him. “Were you  _ gay  _ when we were dating? Did I make you gay? Or were you just using me to hide that you were gay?” She was fuming with anger and Alex reciprocated it.

     “You have no fucking right to say that. I was nothing but good to you, Jess. Zach and I only started dating months after we broke up and I felt like shit thinking that it was too soon.”His gimp hand started shaking and made him even angrier. “I would never use you! If someone should feel bad about being used it should be me because the last time I checked,  _ you  _ were the one that cheated!”

     Jess was taken aback, the four of them knew that Jess had cheated, but it was news to Clay and Scott. She rose from the table and gathered her things. She said a final “Fuck you” and promptly left the cafeteria.

     Justin gathered his stuff as well, “She’s mad but she’ll come around eventually. Congrats guys,” he said before following his girlfriend.

     Zach and Alex looked at each other. Besides Jess’ tantrum, everything went surprisingly well. Alex’s smile was the brightest that Clay had ever seen it and it made him smile to see his friends so happy. 

     Zach looked into the eyes of his now official boyfriend and he felt so many emotions he thought he would cry. It wasn’t a marriage proposal but it was a big step for both of them. He cupped Alex’s cheeks in his hands and kissed him softly. Alex clutched Zach’s shirt and pulled him closer, feeling too many things at once that kissing him was the only thing keeping him at bay.

     “Please don’t start having sex. The rest of us single people would like to finish our lunch in peace,” Clay interrupted. They all laughed and the two sat down to finish up lunch.

* * *

 

     “So butt boy’s got a boyfriend, huh?” said a voice behind Zach as he finished up getting dressed after practice. 

     “Yeah, I heard he’s turned into a  _ wide receiver _ ,” snickered one of his teammates.

     “Guys, don’t tease him, he might sic his boyfriend on you. You know that’s how he got that busted lip in the first place.” The group of kids laughed loud enough for the rest of the locker room to hear. One of the punks added a warm “faggot” before the group exited the room. 

     “Don’t let them get to you,” consoled one of his other teammates, but it was too late. Zach had already made a fist-sized indent into his locker as soon as they left. He lifted the hood of his jacket over his head and walked, head down, out of the locker room and immediately towards his car. 

     Alex was waiting patiently on the hood of his car when he got there, focused on whatever homework he was doing. He looked up as soon as he heard footsteps and broke into a wide grin as his boyfriend approached him. “Hey, how did practice go?”

     “Fine,” Zach rushed to the driver’s side, “Let’s go. Now.”

     Alex looked at Zach curiously but still got in on the passenger’s side. “Is everything ok?”

     “Yes!” Zach snapped. He started the car and pulled out of the parking lot quickly. “I just...want to go home. That’s all.”

     Alex tried to look at his boyfriends’ face, but it was covered. He eventually gave up on trying to find out any more information. When Zach was in this mood, the best thing to do was leave him be and let him talk first. Alex slumped down in his seat and continued to read his book the rest of the way home.

* * *

 

     “Babe, if you don’t wake up, we’ll be late,” Alex shoved his boyfriend off the side of the bed, finally getting a reaction out of him after 15 minutes of trying. 

     “Alright, geez, I’m awake,” Zach dreaded the thought of going back into the locker room where he would inevitably be ridiculed by his teammates once again. “How ‘bout we skip today? I miss quality time with you,” Zach bent down and left soft kisses in the crook of his neck. 

     “You spend ‘quality time’ with me nearly every day after school…”

     “Pleaseeeee,” Zach turned Alex around pouted. 

     Alex gave him a chaste kiss and stroked his cheek. “No.”

     Zach groaned and moped the entire way to the bathroom, realizing that nothing was going to change Alex’s mind.

* * *

 

     After practice, Zach opened his locker to a surprise of lace panties and a bralette. “Wow, you planning something nice with your butt buddy, Zach?” asked the same voice that hassled him yesterday.

     He turned around quickly. “Do you have a fucking problem, Robert?”

     “Yeah,” Robert answered snarkily. “I have a problem with you dating that little queer, crippled boy.”

     “Why? Did he ruin your chance to get with me? I’m pretty sure Alex wouldn’t mind a threesome.” Zach taunted. 

     Robert’s face flashed with anger before composing himself. “Actually, I have a question for you.” He approached Zach until there was minimal space between them. “Did you look at everyone’s dick in the shower or was it just mine?”

     Zach pushed him back harshly, making him trip on the bench and fall to the tile floor. “Fuck you!”

     Robert quickly got up from the floor and charged towards Zach. “Enough!” Yelled the coach. “If you two keep this shit up, I’m benching the both of you for the whole season!”

     Robert backed away and pointed a ‘threatening’ finger towards Zach, “This isn’t over.”

     “Oh, yes it is,” argued the coach. “Lay a finger on him and you’re off the team. Do you understand?” Robert nodded, rolling his eyes. “That goes for you too, Dempsey.”

     “Yes, sir,” Zach nodded as well and gathered his stuff to leave. 

     Alex was waiting in the hallway talking to a few of his friends from English. “Hey,” he greeted. He started to hook his arm around Zach’s, but Zach flinched and moved away. His friends said their goodbyes and Alex turned to look at his boyfriend. “Did I do something wrong?”

     Zach looked down at his feet and kicked slightly at nothing. He shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “No...Can we just go?” He tried to pull Alex along but he planted his feet firmly on the ground and didn’t budge.

     “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s wrong with you.”

     Zach looked behind Alex’s head and saw as Robert and his crew of goons walked towards them. “Fine,” Zach put his hood up, turned away from his boyfriend and headed in the direction of the parking lot. 

     “You have to be fucking kidding me. Zach!” Alex called out to the fading figure of his boyfriend, but he pretended that he didn’t hear a thing.

* * *

 

     “He’s still avoiding you?” Clay asked as they drove home from school. After Zach left him to get home on his own accord a few days ago, Alex had been getting rides from Clay.

     “Honestly, I don’t fucking care at this point.” He didn’t 100% feel that way, but he was too hurt to say how he truly felt. “If he wants to keep his problems to himself and shut me out like I mean nothing to him, then so be it.” 

     “You mean something to him, Alex. You know that.”

     “It doesn’t seem that way,” he mumbled.

     Alex pulled up to his house and, to his surprise, saw Zach sitting on the floor of his driveway. “Thanks for the ride.”

     “Do you want me to go with you?”

     “No, I think I can handle him.” Clay clapped a hand on his shoulder and nodded.

     “Call me if you need me.”

     Alex approached his boyfriend, but the brunette didn’t look up. He heard sniffles come from the man below him. “Are you crying?” Zach looked up at him with bloodshot eyes. He looked so hurt, that Alex suddenly forgot about how angry he was just a few seconds ago. He kneeled down beside him and Zach immediately embraced him tightly. 

     “I’m such a fucking asshole. I should have never left you and I don’t want to lose you because of my own stupid insecurities. Please don’t hate me I’m so sorry,” Zach apologized profusely. Alex was more confused than anything.

     “Can we talk inside?” Alex’s neighbor came out of his front door and began to look at them weirdly. 

     They made their way into Alex’s room and he set his stuff down. “Now, what the hell happened?”

     “Robert and his idiot friends got to me. They called me ‘butt boy’ and all this other dumb shit and even though I knew this was going to happen, I still let it get to me.” 

     Alex folded his hands across his chest. “And you thought the best idea was to shut me out and leave me stranded at school?”

     “No! Well...at the time, yes, but I realize now that that was the worst way to go about it. And then today I--I thought about Hannah, and I thought about how I avoided her when I thought someone would find out about us and now I’m doing that to you and,” he ran a hand through his hair and groaned. “Now, everybody knows and I’ve realized that I’m a shitty boyfriend and an even shittier person for leaving you like I did. I was only thinking about myself and not about how you felt…”

     “Alright, enough,” Alex stopped him and Zach’s heart sank. This was it. He had officially ruined their relationship again because of his own insecurities. “You abandoning me isn’t what hurts me the most. It’s the fact that you thought you couldn’t come to me and tell me the shit that Robert was saying to you.” Alex held Zach’s face in his hands. “You can’t shut down over some comments from an irrelevant asshole, Zach. I love you too much and I won’t watch you put yourself back in the closet when you shouldn’t have to. I need you to be honest with me just like I have been with you.”

     Zach’s eyes softened, “You love me?”

     Alex’s brows furrowed slightly, suddenly aware that he let the words slip without knowing it. He hasn’t said those words since Jess. “Yea…But I need you to--” Zach interrupted him with a  bruising kiss. He felt even more like an asshole after what he did. Alex loved him and Zach just left him alone to figure out his own problems. Zach put all his words in that kiss. He apologized, and promised, and said all the things he couldn’t say in words with that kiss. “I love you too.” 

     Alex grinned and shook his head slightly. “Zach Dempsey, you are one mysterious man to date. Do you know that?”

     Zach smiled and kissed him again. “I know, but admit it, you love me.”

     “If memory serves me right, I think I just did.” Alex grinned.

     “I know,” Zach caressed his boyfriend’s cheek with his thumb and kissed him. “I just wanted to hear you say it again.”


End file.
